How to talk with your adult kids before they decide to have ‘the talk’ with you!
You’ve probably heard “war stories” of embattled siblings parenting their elderly parents or in short, becoming their “parent’s parent.” If you’ve seen or experienced the pain and frustration that can come from making difficult life decisions on a parents’ behalf, you know what I’m talking about.
Now consider the very unpleasant notion of being parented by your child… Think about her making life changing decisions on your behalf; would she know what to do? would she understand your preferences, your finances, what senior care setting you’ might prefer?
In my line of work, I see this often. So I’d like to suggest that we, as baby boomers, do ourselves and our kids a favor and turn the tables on this old and painful paradigm of waiting until “an accident.”
I’m going to share ideas and strategies on how to write our own future and transition into our senior years as gracefully as possible.
The Old Paradigm
The Internet is full of advice for adult children who want to discuss aging issues with their parents. Articles present carefully worded ways to approach seniors about selling their house, putting down the car keys or signing up for long-term care.
These are all important issues for children and their parents to discuss, but waiting for children to bring up the conversation tends to leave most seniors feeling blindsided or, worse, manipulated into decisions they didn’t want to make. “Dad, I’m sorry but I can’t let you drive anymore, you’re not safe…”
Rather than letting your children drive decisions on housing, health care and estate plans, wouldn’t you find it more empowering to be the one leading the discussion?
The thing is, you can only lead that discussion effectively and positively if or when you are sound of mind. If your cognitive status decreases or sudden illness strikes unexpectedly, it will be too late and your adult children may likely be faced with having to make significant decisions on your behalf, decisions you may or may not like.
Furthermore, if your children aren’t entirely sure about what you want, it’ll be very difficult for them to feel good about making those decisions, and they may be left wondering if they made the right choice – not a pleasant feeling for them.
The most effective approach I have seen is when sound-minded seniors educate their children on what their preferences would be relative to personal care and senior housing, and instructing their children on how to oversee these wishes and preferences in the easiest and smoothest way possible.
Here are 6 strategies that proactive boomers use to start the conversation with their kids, before they decide to have ‘the talk’ with you.
1. Decide Which Child To Approach
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to discussing aging issues. Every family dynamic is different so every conversation will be different.
Mrs. Hall has five children and chose to talk to her two nearest daughters about her plans. “I really trust them,” the 77-year-old says. “I know they will take care of me.”
While some parents may find it makes sense to sit down with their entire family, others may find it easier to discuss issues with only one or two children. Start wherever it feels most “right.”
2. Select Conversation Topics Beforehand.
Just as the conversation participants may differ from family to family, so too may the topics.
In Hall’s situation, she went over finances and health directives with her daughters. Ultimately, she named her children on her accounts and set up a deed to allow them to easily take over her property and avoid the need to go through probate.
However, this approach may not work for everyone. Some may want to approach the conversation more broadly. If you’re not comfortable sharing financial details with your children you could consider creating a file with these documents and tell them where it can be found, when the time comes.
I bet it will be a comfort for you to know that your pertinent documents and information are in order and available when they may be needed, without having to divulge sensitive information upfront.
Understanding and sharing information about the future possibility of housing change and/or long term care option, as well as planning realistic, “pre-disaster” time frames may be the most valuable choice you can make for yourself and your children.
Overstaying in your home nearly always increases the likelihood of emergency changes becoming necessary to keep you safe, secure and healthy.
3. Be Prepared For Possible Concerns.
Having a conversation with adult children about you aging can open the door for them to express current concerns. So before you sit down, you might want to anticipate possible concerns, and what the solutions could be.
For example, if driving is an issue, or a hot button for your child, you may want to consider voluntarily giving up driving at night or on busy roads as an acceptable compromise. If you want to stay in your home, but are having trouble with upkeep, discuss options to hire help for maintenance or housekeeping.
4. Find A Neutral Time And Location To Have The Discussion.
Emotions can sometimes run high during discussions of aging, and some people find comfort in bringing in a third party for the discussion.
We’ve known of families writing a letter rather than having a face-to-face conversation. Others may prefer to have conversations individually with their children instead of calling a family meeting. Hall took that approach by talking informally with each of her daughters.
It may be difficult to have a productive conversation with your adult children who is stressed or grieving so try to avoid having a discussion during emotionally-charged times, such as during the holiday season or immediately after a death.
5. Have A Plan B In Case Your Children Aren’t Up For The Challenge.
Realize that not every adult child is emotionally prepared to process his parents’ aging.
Some children are in denial about their parents’ physical state of being. Or you may feel they would be irresponsible with information shared or contentious about your decisions. If your gut tells you the information isn’t going to serve, consider withholding it.
However, that doesn’t mean you should go it alone. Geriatric case managers can help assess the situation and make recommendations. Elder care attorneys can provide guidance on estate issues, advance directives, and other financial matters. They can also help demystify Medicaid rules.
Most importantly, it may support everyone to accept suggestions from an outsider with a lot less resistance or push back.
6. Finally, Have The Talk While You Are Well And Mentally Sharp
After a certain age, sudden illness and cognitive decline can have a sneaky way of popping up quickly or unexpectedly. Ultimatly, that’s the main point of this article; “Be proactive and talk with your kids before they decide to have ‘the talk’ with you!”
I realize that parenting our elderly parents isn’t and easy topic to discuss, and I can’t encourage you enough, baby boomers and seniors, as to the value and benefits of making arrangements and talking about your wishes when all is well.
“I got a lot of relief knowing that was all taken care of,” Hall says of her conversations with her daughters. “That gives me peace of mind.”
